May 2013
3 posts
[[MORE]]my mom didnt answer my calls today idk
im so mad and stressed and i hate looking at myself and hearing my fucking voice bye
know what sucks!?? genders
April 2013
15 posts
i would rather suffer than make myself even slightly vulnerable and that has always been and continues to be a problem for me
stressin because i’ve got a big project to do and i don’t want to do it at all no not at all. i’m going to fucking explode. every time i start working on this project i get really anxious. i don’t think i can go to college right now. i think i need to learn how to perpetuate my existence first. i thought i was feeling better the past few days but wow wow wowowow i am...
I dug my own grave here so I am spending the rest of the night reading and cleaning and painting a stupid picture that will bring me no joy. my mom is so so crazy and she is ignoring me and it’s making my stomach hurt but whatever I don’t need her. when she finally returns my calls I am going to yell at her and probably insult her but she deserves it. do you know what she did. apart...
i dont think i identify as a gender anymore because everything just sucks. i can’t think of a way that i would be comfortable. i am not capable of functioning actually. what do you do when you have a lot of skills but you can’t go to school or work? i’m nice and smart and talented but i literally can not take care of myself and there’s no way around that being a fact of any...
well I had a day that was vry good and somewhat bad and of course I am focusing on the bad even though its 100% being offended by and scared of made up things. my project is to let myself feel the way I feel but stay firmly grounded in the reality of the situation, that everything is fine
i was just remembering something cute that happened when i was hanging out with my new friend
we were at a coffee shop and this old man turned around and very slowly sized us up and then said “you are a couple of beautiful…kids”
i guess we were both sufficiently androgynous to make that guy go “i think something queer is happening there but i’m just not sure...
do not associate happiness with a person. that will make you sick. note to self
ok i worked out i feel better. i had a thing to think about and i thought about it! also i had an unrelated idea. also i worked out which is so healthy for me and i’m proud of myself for doing it. xo
i felt so cute and capable this morning
now i feel like everybody is so terrible
hmmmmmmm very sudden downhill flop here
feeling real sad and overwhelmed and sick all of a sudden. heheh awesome. im gonna try to go work out and see if that makes my mood better or if it just makes me wanna cry
god i feel like it took me a while to reach the point where i can say ‘i literally don’t think i’m capable of falling in love’ and have that be awesome. DONt wanna fall in love/ love cut’s just like a knife/u make the knife feel good/ill fight you till the end
no
um
ok
i have had a lot of sex in the past year and most of it was uncomfortable. i did a lot of...
and the other thing about dating and touching is that i assign a LOT to people touching me usually. as a person who has been misinterpreted by a lot of people as an appropriate feminine force to pursue, sometimes with awesome intentions even, i have learned that usually when people think i am hot, they think i am a hot girl who wants to be treated like a hot girl ,which means treated differently...
hey wow this isn’t even sad let me tell you something nice
so
i think i am aromantic
yes i thought i was asexual but that made me confused cause I LIKE people i really like them and i find a lot of people very hot. the thing i hate is dating them. like owing people things. having obligations to people. having more committments to the people you’re ‘dating’ than the...
hey thanks everyone who is following this for being good people and good friends XOXoxoxox
i am doing what i need to do today and skipping an important doctor’s appointment that i didn’t prepare for and that is OK and i will be ok
and i am going to call my mom and lie to her about why i need two thousand dollars but whatchagonna do nobody ever taught me how to manage money. for the...
October 2011
1 post
i should really clean my room too bad i’m a useless piece of shit who sleeps all day and can’t garner the energy to pick up my own shit and keep my room comfortable
September 2011
10 posts
my mom is the craziest, most irrational person i have ever met in my life
wow mom i fucking just made you dinner and listened to you bitch for an hour and that’s totally cool by you but the second i ask you a question when you’re busy and i want something you don’t feel obligated to provide all bets are off aren’t they
fuck
you
fuck you fuck you fuck you
I think having a blog instead of friends this summer has made me really self-centered
I noticed this talking to some random chick on MSN, she wasn’t asking me enough questions and I specifically thought, “i only want internet friends if the relationship is about me”
and then i realized that was a very terrible thing to think and now I am even more excited that in a week and a...
i just did the good person thing and instead of telling someone that he was a horrible waste of space and deserved to die, i disconnected and then i closed omegle
gosh
the internet just makes it really really hard to love people
it makes me look at people and assume they are horrible
and idk
people are horrible
i don’t want to hate everyone
but people just suck so much
everyone...
wow i am really overwhelmingly unhappy isn’t that adorable? i love feeling like i am about to die and not knowing what to do
i love having a dead dad and no friends
it is literally the best
my poor dad
he was just so sad and nobody could help him and it’s just so sad
i’m glad that he died knowing that i loved him at least
i think he deserved to feel that way for once
i am in a lot of pain most of the time and it sucks, mostly because i’m worried that if my 18 year old body is this fragile and sore, that i’m probably going to just get more and more sore as i get older. thinking about being sore makes my joints hurt. i am scared for my body. also my scoliosis makes me awkward and bras hurt and sitting hurts and i just want to be active and able to do...
dear mom,
it’s not fair to call 11 year olds bitches behind their back just because you hate their parents, even if they are bitches
and it’s not fair for you to throw things at walls that divide your room and my room because (i hope) you know how stressed out this whole fiasco is making me too and how easy it is to give me panic attacks, even still, and i’m sorry but i need...
okay so instead of calling my boss and telling him that family issues are going to prevent me from showing up to work for perhaps a month
and instead of sitting here in my goddamned room with the smell of fucking meat permeating through my closed door
hearing the chaos of horrible people being loud and moving out
and listening to my mom get drunk and cry and whine
i
am
going
to
bed
so this’ll be the third time i’ve dealt with a divorce
great example for relationships you’re giving me there mom
i hate that my mom’s computer is in my room because she always comes in here and stresses me out
most commonly she comes in here and gets on the computer and starts screaming FUCK FUCK at the computer
but right now she is sitting at the computer sobbing
and i sound heartless and horrible
but things like this give me panic attacks and she told me she wanted to kill herself yesterday and i...
my mom’s gonna kill herself
that’s pretty horrible
August 2011
19 posts
hey sorry about all these posts about my dysfunctional-ass family! i’m just stuck inside all the time and every single one of the six other people in this house is cray cray! and i can’t leave! i wonder why my panic attacks got so out of control! i’m not on medications to fix a problem i have, i’m on medications to cope with the problems everyone else has! yipee
do you ever like
start changing your bedsheets
and realize that you feel uncomfortable not having the option to get in bed for five minutes
relatedly yes i know i just woke up an hour ago but don’t laugh at me when i tell you i’m gonna take a nap because that is just rude
i feel soooooo bad today omg i can’t even handle it so yes i am going back to sleep
duh
i’m having a really bad day
i lost my birth certificate and my mom is literally going to hate me for the rest of my life because of this, it’s not like a white girl problem it’s like i literally fear for my safety when she’s angry and i have to be very careful not to piss her off in any way or she will do her very best to make my life hell
so that happened and i also just...
yeah no big fucking deal i am having a panic attack because i thought about death of a salesman?
this isn’t a normal people thing
i am seriously fucked
i had a really really really terrible day and i had a panic attack and everything and cried sooo much
but i’m actually in a really good confident mood right now
i think it was really good to get it out of my system yo
so stressed out my head’s gonna explode
my mom should not need to use my room as her office space
i need safe space
i’m hiding in the bathroom because i need space
this sucks she sucks
this blog is a really strange mixture of pathetic teen angst bullshit and poetic insightful little tidbits
i just went back and read the whole thing and just kind of
all the things i’ve ever said i was worried about potentially happening on this blog have happened
i don’t know what i’m really talking about because i feel like i just incessantly whine
but really i think i say...
i can’t look through facebook anymore because it hurts too much to see myself in pictures with people who used to like me
l o l
I’M LITERALLY SO UNHAPPY ALL THE TIME
WHY IS THIS THE WAY IT IS FOR ME
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO TO HELP MYSELF
well it looks like i’m about to lock myself in my room until i get a job
because i am done dealing with crazy people
i am done forever
they are denting my sanity and i deserve sanity
and if i have to be lonely and starved of contact for a while then so be it but i am not leaving this bedroom except when everyone is sleeping ever again unless it’s to shower or pee
and when i get a...
so fucking stressed out i don’t even know what to do with myself
i hate waking up and already feeling like shit
i wanna just be like “i’m done feeling like shit all the time, i’m ready to feel great”
but it’s not that easy
when i wake up in the morning and the first thing i think is how much of a fuckup i am and how shitty my life is and how much everyone hates me
i guess
it’s just really stupid to feel this consistently...
i’m the saddest person in the whole wide world
i need to go to bed or something before i implode from all that
it gives me panic attacks when people are like “When are you coming home! I miss you!!!!!”
like it’s about them that i moved
like
it’s not even about you
at all
i moved because i had to get out of a horribly abusive situation
and it’s not about you
do you think i’m not miserable here
do you think i like living in the butthole of the desert with no...
tried to write a song based off a poem i wrote and got depressed
life pathetique
i think i’m not alone in going through phases with websites
before tumblr i was on deviantart and before that it was xanga and before that it was neopets
i think the reason i left all of those was a combination of the fact that i was disenchanted with the people/content of those websites and there was a better alternative that eventually took over
well it might just be because i feel like...
I am literally red with fury right now
I’m mad at annabelle for being vegan
why am i mad at someone for being vegan my fucking god
it’s probably because all she ever does is post pictures of burgers and talk about how much she likes to eat and i’m over here giving a shit about things and being nice while she’s just being vegan because she’s pretentious and...
someone tell me why i hate myself so much
jesus christ i’m such a worthless sack of shit why does anyone talk to me
i’m not pretty i’m not nice i’m not smart i’m not talented
i have no future i have nothing to offer
i hate every government that exists
i hate that i’m going to die no matter what
i hate that no one’s compassionate and...
July 2011
8 posts
(: i have at least one panic attack a day now (:
my fucking mom just ranted at me for 25 minutes and I listened and did all I could but I can’t fucking help her with her job problems
and then I left and she came in here like “I’m sorry I know you don’t fucking care” and then she slammed my door and went into her room and slammed the door
I’m sorry but I moved here away from EVERYFUCKINGTHING I LOVE in order...
