like i literally can’t fucking find a job. i have a resume that has always been good enough to land me good food service jobs before without even really looking. i have three previous jobs and an internship and a high school diploma and i go to college and i have three awesome references and nobody will let me give them many hours a week of my time and energy. i am not worth minimum wage i guess! i am going to run out of money and starve and die if no one hires me. i am going to die.
i know this is a very childish dumb ridiculous thing to say, that i feel like my phone getting stolen is the worst thing that’s ever happened right now, but it was like my biggest coping mechanism and it cost a LOT of money so i can’t get a new one and there’s no chance of getting a replacement of another brand thats anywhere near as good, and the fact that someone would just take it is so sad and disappointing and disheartening to me, and i kinda just feel like going to bed forever. like. i cant find a fucking job and one of my three most important possessions is gone and im broke and people are consistently the worst. i dont want to live in a world where im not even allowed to have and keep something nice for myself! i dont want to live in this world! i hate this world.
every interaction ive had today has been disappointing and i am frustrated with everyone right now and i re cognize that this is a problem with me and no one else but idk how to fix it. i dont like people. stop it
stressin because i’ve got a big project to do and i don’t want to do it at all no not at all. i’m going to fucking explode. every time i start working on this project i get really anxious. i don’t think i can go to college right now. i think i need to learn how to perpetuate my existence first. i thought i was feeling better the past few days but wow wow wowowow i am severely lacking in emotional reserves right now
I dug my own grave here so I am spending the rest of the night reading and cleaning and painting a stupid picture that will bring me no joy. my mom is so so crazy and she is ignoring me and it’s making my stomach hurt but whatever I don’t need her. when she finally returns my calls I am going to yell at her and probably insult her but she deserves it. do you know what she did. apart from calling the cops on my brother (which I feel like, as the only person with my brothers best interests in mind, involves me, but which my mom would tell me is not my problem) she told the cops apparently that I am unstable and abusive. well nothing makes me feel more unstable and abusive in this universe than being reduced to a sob story by my lying two faced mother. what a shitty person. I’m getting nauseous.
i dont think i identify as a gender anymore because everything just sucks. i can’t think of a way that i would be comfortable. i am not capable of functioning actually. what do you do when you have a lot of skills but you can’t go to school or work? i’m nice and smart and talented but i literally can not take care of myself and there’s no way around that being a fact of any life.
well I had a day that was vry good and somewhat bad and of course I am focusing on the bad even though its 100% being offended by and scared of made up things. my project is to let myself feel the way I feel but stay firmly grounded in the reality of the situation, that everything is fine
i was just remembering something cute that happened when i was hanging out with my new friend
we were at a coffee shop and this old man turned around and very slowly sized us up and then said “you are a couple of beautiful…kids”
i guess we were both sufficiently androgynous to make that guy go “i think something queer is happening there but i’m just not sure how” and that made me feel great actually? esp that he thought we were Beautiful wow what a compliment. how nice of that guy to say to a couple of greasy rebels. but we are beautiful.
i may be failing to cope with life really bad this week but at least strangers and peers and hot people think i am cool and beautiful and if thats my contribution to the world i guess it’s enough for right now
god i feel like it took me a while to reach the point where i can say ‘i literally don’t think i’m capable of falling in love’ and have that be awesome. DONt wanna fall in love/ love cut’s just like a knife/u make the knife feel good/ill fight you till the end
i have had a lot of sex in the past year and most of it was uncomfortable. i did a lot of things that should make a person uncomfortable such as being the person that a man with a young child was cheating on his wife with and having a foursome and sleeping with someone twice my age and having sex on a lot of different kinds of illicit drugs, but also just having like regular sex with my ex girlfriend was the same amount of uncomfortable as all that
i feel like having it be established that i don’t want a relationship with someone is really important for me. i don’t want a relationship no matter what. not even with the ‘right person,’ cause the right person for me, for someone like me is someone who just wants to hang out and maybe smang out 2. no strings attached, no secret strings later, just friends, and that feels good to me
yeah i just feel a little bit awakened because last night i had the best sex time of my life and i didn’t even take my clothes off and it was because i was comfortable with the fact that it was just friendship stuff and i wouldn’t owe her anything later. not to mention getting gender and body respect the likes of which i’ve literally never experienced
i like life! i think i’m gonna text her and be like ‘hey thanks for last night it was really fun and sort of important for me so rock on let’s hang and smang soon xo’ haHA i’ve got a giddy crush. i was thinking about this on the bike ride home from the gym (*flexes truly MASSIVE biceps*), how can i have a CRUSH one someone if i’m aromantic??? i’m new as all heck to this. well i think i figured it out, it’s a good situation that makes me happy, with a beautiful (truly goddamn amazingly fucking hot) person who reciprocates my friendship feelings and my body urge feelings, and that’s exciting and i want to spend time with her and i think that’s an alright way to feel for an aromantic. tho i am the last person to put a lot of stock in labels. a boner is a boner. tho i do feel good to have a succinct term for this and a better understanding of it because of that label! thanks for the label!
thank god!!! i’m sorry for the Long post if you read the whole thing i dont even know what
and the other thing about dating and touching is that i assign a LOT to people touching me usually. as a person who has been misinterpreted by a lot of people as an appropriate feminine force to pursue, sometimes with awesome intentions even, i have learned that usually when people think i am hot, they think i am a hot girl who wants to be treated like a hot girl ,which means treated differently than a friend, and both of those things make me uncomfortable as hell. and they think they might be able to ‘date me’ which means a loss of some of the freedom, space, independence that are the most important things to me. so i think it’s not ‘touching’ that i hate like i thought i did. i think it’s the fact that usually being touched is being claimed
hey wow this isn’t even sad let me tell you something nice
i think i am aromantic
yes i thought i was asexual but that made me confused cause I LIKE people i really like them and i find a lot of people very hot. the thing i hate is dating them. like owing people things. having obligations to people. having more committments to the people you’re ‘dating’ than the people you’re friends with.
i found this out because i hung out with a very very cool aromantic person
i’m very excited about it and thinking about it a lot because this person is wonderful. i think we’re a good match for being friends and touching parts and not having to worry about other things. i’m so glad i don’t have to worry about things with this person who i am very attracted to. isn’t that nice
i feel like the gap between me and worthwhile people has closed. very suddenly. i was feeling like the only people who i really wanted to see were on the internet and like i had to settle for hanging out with people who i didn’t really want to hang out with, mostly. i have 2 good friends who live close enough to me for me to see but i guess i have three now
i sort of feel like the universe gave me something nice. just bottled up a sign inside this really cool human being and was like “listen, you don’t have to settle for something you don’t want, because here’s something you want, and you can have it, and you deserve it, and you deserve nice things.” i am assigning a LOT to this brand new friendship and i probably shouldn’t be. but whatever we spent like a day and a half together and it was really nice and i am excited about it.
i get to be ecxcited about new friends who are people i would dream up to be friends with. cause i don’t believe in this load of crap about ‘you can never have too many friends.’ i tried that with a boy from my school who was following me around and i tried to be like ‘hey i HATE DATING and also you have a girlfriend so of course this will go nowhere’ and he STILL TRIED TO TOUCH ME i just feel like everyone’s fucked up and i want to be friends with real people now and i’d rather have no friends than friends who fucking disrespect my physical boundaries you know
this was long but i wanted to get it out
it’s been good the past few days, let’s ride those waves
hey thanks everyone who is following this for being good people and good friends XOXoxoxox
i am doing what i need to do today and skipping an important doctor’s appointment that i didn’t prepare for and that is OK and i will be ok
and i am going to call my mom and lie to her about why i need two thousand dollars but whatchagonna do nobody ever taught me how to manage money. for the past five years i’ve had so little that i’ve learned to spend money while i’ve got some because it won’t last. i’m trying to unlearn that but it’s hard work. i’ve got some adjustments to make to my lifestyle namely i can eat at restaurants ONCE a week and i have got to write it down so as to hold myself accountable. i forgot what it’s like not to have food stamps so sometimes i just feel like “fuck it, groceries cost as much as subway” but they TRULY don’t. and eating at home is healthier anyway. and i keep eating all this cheese and i’ve even made exceptions to my vegetarianism a lot lately because i truly don’t give a fuck about anything
oh well. i got so bad yesterday that i had to go to a crisis chat online or something and i’m really not gonna let it get that bad again
i have got an appointment with my therapist on monday and i’m going to tell her about the fact that my personal philosophy has deluded me into actually believing suicide would be an objectively good idea and hopefully we can work on that
ok anyway thank you all for following this i really appreciate that you people have been there for me through so much of me acting like an asshole xoxoxo
my mom is the craziest, most irrational person i have ever met in my life
wow mom i fucking just made you dinner and listened to you bitch for an hour and that’s totally cool by you but the second i ask you a question when you’re busy and i want something you don’t feel obligated to provide all bets are off aren’t they
I think having a blog instead of friends this summer has made me really self-centered
I noticed this talking to some random chick on MSN, she wasn’t asking me enough questions and I specifically thought, “i only want internet friends if the relationship is about me”
and then i realized that was a very terrible thing to think and now I am even more excited that in a week and a half i’ll be able to drive and therefore make real friends and stop thinking everything revolves around me
i am in a lot of pain most of the time and it sucks, mostly because i’m worried that if my 18 year old body is this fragile and sore, that i’m probably going to just get more and more sore as i get older. thinking about being sore makes my joints hurt. i am scared for my body. also my scoliosis makes me awkward and bras hurt and sitting hurts and i just want to be active and able to do things but i’m always in pain and it’s not just my back, it’s my wrists and ankles and head and pretty much everywhere.
maybe i’m just sore because i’m depressed
i feel like my needs are everybody’s last priority and the meds i’m taking are more to help my mom not have to deal with me than they are to help me feel better
and it just sucks, i can never leave the house and i made one friend with this cat and he’s leaving and that sounds so pathetic but man, i’m so lonely and i love that cat and it’s just not fair
it’s not fair to call 11 year olds bitches behind their back just because you hate their parents, even if they are bitches
and it’s not fair for you to throw things at walls that divide your room and my room because (i hope) you know how stressed out this whole fiasco is making me too and how easy it is to give me panic attacks, even still, and i’m sorry but i need you to be less stressful because it can ruin my whole day
and please get permission before even opening my bedroom door. i need a safe place.
i hate that my mom’s computer is in my room because she always comes in here and stresses me out
most commonly she comes in here and gets on the computer and starts screaming FUCK FUCK at the computer
but right now she is sitting at the computer sobbing
and i sound heartless and horrible
but things like this give me panic attacks and she told me she wanted to kill herself yesterday and i wish she wouldn’t do this in my room, which is the one place i can go and not have to deal with how stressful everything is
hey sorry about all these posts about my dysfunctional-ass family! i’m just stuck inside all the time and every single one of the six other people in this house is cray cray! and i can’t leave! i wonder why my panic attacks got so out of control! i’m not on medications to fix a problem i have, i’m on medications to cope with the problems everyone else has! yipee
i lost my birth certificate and my mom is literally going to hate me for the rest of my life because of this, it’s not like a white girl problem it’s like i literally fear for my safety when she’s angry and i have to be very careful not to piss her off in any way or she will do her very best to make my life hell
so that happened and i also just feel mega shitty healthwise
and i am always trapped in this fucking house and i hate it
and i don’t really like myself so i feel worthless anyway
and my computer is being really really irritable lately and i think it’s because i used up all the disk space so i’m deleting music and hoping the not responding crap will stop
anyway i just feel like laying back down in bed and crying all day and i think i would feel like that even if there were no contributing outside forces